![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( jim. jim. it takes her a moment to place the name, she's rubbish with them unless she cares about the person but she's got a slight reference. clara.
shit. the man they were talking about before, the man she'd encouraged and cautioned clara about regarding her feelings. and now-- )
Where are you?
shit. the man they were talking about before, the man she'd encouraged and cautioned clara about regarding her feelings. and now-- )
Where are you?
Edited 2018-09-29 16:15 (UTC)
( river is terrible with loss and grief, though the emptiness that it leaves behind is something very familiar to her. comfort and kindness are different, though -- they're feelìngs that she has very rarely been on the receiving end of, especially when she hides everything, but giving it--
coming to clara is probably a really bad idea. she's messed up every conversation that they've previously had but she has to try and hopefully not make clara feel any worse.
she's brought a bottle of alcohol with her, filling one of the glasses as she walks on to the obseevation deck )
You'll find him again.
( river offers it out as she gets closer, trying for hope rather than comfort. hope could be comforting, right? and river did hope that they'd find him )
coming to clara is probably a really bad idea. she's messed up every conversation that they've previously had but she has to try and hopefully not make clara feel any worse.
she's brought a bottle of alcohol with her, filling one of the glasses as she walks on to the obseevation deck )
You'll find him again.
( river offers it out as she gets closer, trying for hope rather than comfort. hope could be comforting, right? and river did hope that they'd find him )
[Clara reaches for the glass, barely turning her attention towards River. Her face is still and bleak, utterly worn, and the checked pajama pants bagging around house shoes is nearly as unkempt as the woman gets.]
He's dead, back home. Properly dead. [One sip of the disgusting liquor. She barely wrinkles her nose, this time.] I said I'd take him with me when we got out, if he wanted.
[It's not meant to stir up sympathies. If anything, it's evidence of her own foolishness. Proof that her skin isn't near thick enough for this terrible, infinite life she's acquired.]
He's dead, back home. Properly dead. [One sip of the disgusting liquor. She barely wrinkles her nose, this time.] I said I'd take him with me when we got out, if he wanted.
[It's not meant to stir up sympathies. If anything, it's evidence of her own foolishness. Proof that her skin isn't near thick enough for this terrible, infinite life she's acquired.]
( ouch. and now a little more of what clara had said but not wanted to say made sense. she was dead, he was dead... they had something in common and that loss now, knowing that if he wasn't here he'd be dead )
I don't believe that he's gone.
( it wasn't simply hope, at least that's what river would say. they may have been able to bring them in but calibrating their return back... unless you were familiar with timey wimey mechanics was difficult. even the doctor got it very wrong. she didn't believe anyone in this century had it better )
We're still locked out of a great portion of the station, there's also the planet. ( river's pouring herself a drink as she speaks ) I wouldn't count him out yet.
I don't believe that he's gone.
( it wasn't simply hope, at least that's what river would say. they may have been able to bring them in but calibrating their return back... unless you were familiar with timey wimey mechanics was difficult. even the doctor got it very wrong. she didn't believe anyone in this century had it better )
We're still locked out of a great portion of the station, there's also the planet. ( river's pouring herself a drink as she speaks ) I wouldn't count him out yet.
[That had certainly been part of their bond, the distinct sort of loss that came from being the one who'd died, the one who'd left everyone to mourn. His sudden absence hurts more than she wants it to, for what little time they had together.]
I know. [There are so many places he could be, even within their reach. So why does this feel so overwhelming? Why does she feel utterly lost right now?] And I'm trying to believe he's okay, but-
[But it's bigger than him. Bigger even than the others, than Frank and Alex and Amos and Bobbie. Because this isn't going to stop, she's realizing. People are always going to be taken from her, whether it's by time or by peril, and she can't do a damn thing.]
... I shouldn't have gotten close to him. I can't keep doing that.
I know. [There are so many places he could be, even within their reach. So why does this feel so overwhelming? Why does she feel utterly lost right now?] And I'm trying to believe he's okay, but-
[But it's bigger than him. Bigger even than the others, than Frank and Alex and Amos and Bobbie. Because this isn't going to stop, she's realizing. People are always going to be taken from her, whether it's by time or by peril, and she can't do a damn thing.]
... I shouldn't have gotten close to him. I can't keep doing that.
( river can't read her well -- she doesn't know her and the grief is too evident for river to get too much of a feel of her.
but then her words do it for her. doubt, regret. it's one or both and it makes river forget the drink that she'd just been about to drink. she puts it and the bottle to the floor, moving to step in front of clara )
Clara--
( she reaches out to her arm, to draw her attention but then hesitates halfway there. she doesn't want to overstep too much even if her words will )
Why can't you? Why is getting close so wrong?
but then her words do it for her. doubt, regret. it's one or both and it makes river forget the drink that she'd just been about to drink. she puts it and the bottle to the floor, moving to step in front of clara )
Clara--
( she reaches out to her arm, to draw her attention but then hesitates halfway there. she doesn't want to overstep too much even if her words will )
Why can't you? Why is getting close so wrong?
[At River's words, she feels blind, raw anger bubble up in her throat. How could she get close? How can River see that as a possibility, after all the pain Clara has spilled out onto her? She wants to scream, and fight, and rail.
She doesn't. Her face, blank and miserable, barely twitches. Everything in her is too tired for this.]
Being immortal's not about living forever. It's about everyone else dying.
[It's what the Doctor told her once, his spirit wounded. Now, months later, she feels like she really hears those words for the first time. She sees so clearly what she's facing.]
I don't know if I can do it.
She doesn't. Her face, blank and miserable, barely twitches. Everything in her is too tired for this.]
Being immortal's not about living forever. It's about everyone else dying.
[It's what the Doctor told her once, his spirit wounded. Now, months later, she feels like she really hears those words for the first time. She sees so clearly what she's facing.]
I don't know if I can do it.
It isn't easy.
( and though river knows what time can do to people she isn't entirely speaking from experience. it would be something different if she'd gotten close to people and lost them but instead, she just knows about time -- a few of her own centuries, seeing the doctor carry the loss of his own friends, his longer years )
Time hurts. Love hurts. ( doesn't she know it. this is possibly the only time that river is going to be quite so open or honest so clara better be listening ) But it is always worth it. People die, humans are fragile-- ( as the doctor liked to say ) --but sometimes they don't have to. Sometimes you can save them.
( you're a time traveller now, clara. with pain also came joy and hope, in doing something that no one else could. it still wouldn't be forever. this part she knew. the doctor may still really be alive but she'd also seen him die -- had felt her hearts break (twice) at that. it may have been fake but that sight was still burned into her mind, the emotion of what had come before and after it still real )
( and though river knows what time can do to people she isn't entirely speaking from experience. it would be something different if she'd gotten close to people and lost them but instead, she just knows about time -- a few of her own centuries, seeing the doctor carry the loss of his own friends, his longer years )
Time hurts. Love hurts. ( doesn't she know it. this is possibly the only time that river is going to be quite so open or honest so clara better be listening ) But it is always worth it. People die, humans are fragile-- ( as the doctor liked to say ) --but sometimes they don't have to. Sometimes you can save them.
( you're a time traveller now, clara. with pain also came joy and hope, in doing something that no one else could. it still wouldn't be forever. this part she knew. the doctor may still really be alive but she'd also seen him die -- had felt her hearts break (twice) at that. it may have been fake but that sight was still burned into her mind, the emotion of what had come before and after it still real )
[It wasn't love, Clara wants to argue, but it would really be beside the point. It was certainly enough fondness that the loss of it stings.
She closes her eyes and tightens her fingers around the glass.]
Whether or not they want it.
[There's no anger in her voice, though, nor in her heart. The Doctor saved her from death, at the cost of unnatural life. Had she not offered Jim the same opportunity?]
I know what he's like, after he loses people. I don't want to become that.
She closes her eyes and tightens her fingers around the glass.]
Whether or not they want it.
[There's no anger in her voice, though, nor in her heart. The Doctor saved her from death, at the cost of unnatural life. Had she not offered Jim the same opportunity?]
I know what he's like, after he loses people. I don't want to become that.
Clara, I don't know you, I don't know what is in your heart, but I do know time.
( it's said after a pause, a few aborted thoughts at her response. you're not like him-- why would that happen?. that conversation had not gone well before and even though you're not the doctor are the words that would come out it isn't with that intention that she has.
clara is human, she has a kindness that is different to the doctor's, a different care. she is so different and all of it in good ways, ways that would make her a different person even with years. she didn't have to react how he did )
Yes, it will change you but you can choose how you let it. ( is that true? in a way, maybe. river had changed with time, had chosen some of it in trying to be a different person but she was also exaggerating it somewhat ) And you can choose to not be alone.
( it's said after a pause, a few aborted thoughts at her response. you're not like him-- why would that happen?. that conversation had not gone well before and even though you're not the doctor are the words that would come out it isn't with that intention that she has.
clara is human, she has a kindness that is different to the doctor's, a different care. she is so different and all of it in good ways, ways that would make her a different person even with years. she didn't have to react how he did )
Yes, it will change you but you can choose how you let it. ( is that true? in a way, maybe. river had changed with time, had chosen some of it in trying to be a different person but she was also exaggerating it somewhat ) And you can choose to not be alone.
[A note is found slipped under the door of River's room the next time she returns:]
I talked to Adam, and he's interested in the idea. Let's see what you can do. Stop by the clinic. Adam will leave a list of merchants and things he needs for the clinic, along with some money for the purchases. I hope you can bargain for more than just perfume.
- Frank
I talked to Adam, and he's interested in the idea. Let's see what you can do. Stop by the clinic. Adam will leave a list of merchants and things he needs for the clinic, along with some money for the purchases. I hope you can bargain for more than just perfume.
- Frank
[ he made a mistake.
or, no, it was something deeper than a mistake. was a step back into the man he used to be (the man he still in many ways is; the man he may never entirely escape), and it was so easy. worrisome, as well.
whatever the case, the woman hadn't deserved his snide treatment. not after sharing a secret that obviously held meaning for her. and while river has been a persistent pest, daud hadn't exactly been reciprocal in his demands for information. at all.
so he owes her. if anyone owes anything... yes. he needs to speak to her.
which is why he approaches her room that same night, bottle of liquor in hand. which is why he knocks on the door - three sharp raps - and waits, expression unreadable. ]
or, no, it was something deeper than a mistake. was a step back into the man he used to be (the man he still in many ways is; the man he may never entirely escape), and it was so easy. worrisome, as well.
whatever the case, the woman hadn't deserved his snide treatment. not after sharing a secret that obviously held meaning for her. and while river has been a persistent pest, daud hadn't exactly been reciprocal in his demands for information. at all.
so he owes her. if anyone owes anything... yes. he needs to speak to her.
which is why he approaches her room that same night, bottle of liquor in hand. which is why he knocks on the door - three sharp raps - and waits, expression unreadable. ]
( she's not expecting anyone which, given her state of semi-undress as river opens the door, may be why she's a little annoyed at the interruption. when she sees that it's daud that is the cause of it--
well, not best pleased is a little bit of an understatement in this case )
What are you doing here?
( it's almost hissed, river keeping herself between the door and frame, not giving him any room to look past her. though she suspects that her almost nudity will keep his eyes averted enough as it is )
well, not best pleased is a little bit of an understatement in this case )
What are you doing here?
( it's almost hissed, river keeping herself between the door and frame, not giving him any room to look past her. though she suspects that her almost nudity will keep his eyes averted enough as it is )
[ he gives her just enough of a scan to note the state she’s in,then fixes his gaze on her eyes, managing not to shake his head. of course she’d be half-dressed right now, looking put out for whatever reason. of course this couldn’t be easy.
(she doesn’t want him looking into the room. that means something; he’s not certain what.)
he adjusts his hold on the bottle, cocks his head slightly. ]
Is this a bad time.
(she doesn’t want him looking into the room. that means something; he’s not certain what.)
he adjusts his hold on the bottle, cocks his head slightly. ]
Is this a bad time.
( her stare his icy. of course. of course he couldn't take a hint. not that being almost naked or hiding your room may mean too much but it would certainly imply that this was a bad time.
also he didn't answer the question. just a tiny bit annoying also )
Why are you here?
also he didn't answer the question. just a tiny bit annoying also )
Why are you here?
I wanted to speak with you.
[ 'about—' he should continue. he knows he should continue, but the words catch in his throat at the sight of her irritation. he hadn't come here to be warded off, treated like some bother. she ought to listen, she ought to be grateful he's—
he's doing it again. by the fucking void, he's doing it again.
daud looks away, takes a breath. ]
If you have a moment.
[ 'about—' he should continue. he knows he should continue, but the words catch in his throat at the sight of her irritation. he hadn't come here to be warded off, treated like some bother. she ought to listen, she ought to be grateful he's—
he's doing it again. by the fucking void, he's doing it again.
daud looks away, takes a breath. ]
If you have a moment.
( she debates. she debates pushing, getting an answer out of him or even insisting that she doesn't have time. but river isn't rude -- or at least not currently )
Give me five minutes.
( she ducks back into themroom, closing the door behind her. if he's listening he might hear a muted conversation before, a few minutes later, river emerges clothed again, the door closing quickly behind her as she leaves, starts walking towards the outside )
Come on.
( she hoped this was important )
Give me five minutes.
( she ducks back into themroom, closing the door behind her. if he's listening he might hear a muted conversation before, a few minutes later, river emerges clothed again, the door closing quickly behind her as she leaves, starts walking towards the outside )
Come on.
( she hoped this was important )
[ he's a little surprised that she doesn't hurl further questions. and he does hear whispers of that conversation, catching enough to understand more or less what's going on. which. might explain some measure of her irritation. and would explain why she'd been lacking so much clothing.
he doesn't ask about the voice inside her room, though a part of him itches toward a snide remark. it isn't his business, though, and he's already on thin ice with her. instead, when they've reached the courtyard, he holds the bottle out toward her. ]
This is yours.
What I said earlier. My behavior.
It was unwarranted.
he doesn't ask about the voice inside her room, though a part of him itches toward a snide remark. it isn't his business, though, and he's already on thin ice with her. instead, when they've reached the courtyard, he holds the bottle out toward her. ]
This is yours.
What I said earlier. My behavior.
It was unwarranted.
( river doesn't take it, resting her hands on her hips as she turns to face him )
That's it?
( she's not impressed. river can see what he's trying to do but it's not enough. if he wants to complain about her lack of answers he can do a damn sight better on explanations )
That's it?
( she's not impressed. river can see what he's trying to do but it's not enough. if he wants to complain about her lack of answers he can do a damn sight better on explanations )
[ of course. of course that's her reply. of course she'd make this more difficult than it has to be.
this time, though he shakes his head a little sharply, there's no real prickle of irritation. daud's too keenly aware of how far he'd erred. too aware as well of his impulses to flare up at her. he has to keep a calm head if he's going to do this. has to remember what he's done, and what was undeserved.
still. he wishes she'd take the fucking bottle, at least. he feels out of sorts, standing here with an unwanted gift. ]
You shared something of your past with me. I know that isn't easy. Or without meaning.
this time, though he shakes his head a little sharply, there's no real prickle of irritation. daud's too keenly aware of how far he'd erred. too aware as well of his impulses to flare up at her. he has to keep a calm head if he's going to do this. has to remember what he's done, and what was undeserved.
still. he wishes she'd take the fucking bottle, at least. he feels out of sorts, standing here with an unwanted gift. ]
You shared something of your past with me. I know that isn't easy. Or without meaning.
You're right.
( it's also something that river is regretting sharing which is shy she's not going to make this easy. she's angry but also feeling pretty hurt, making her walls go up -- walls that are only necessary because of how much she's been hurt in her life )
Well, if that's it.
( she doesn't know what more she expects from him. river takes the bottle before turning around to head upstairs -- she's got someone tied up she needs to fuck. this time, however, if he tries he can stop her leaving )
( it's also something that river is regretting sharing which is shy she's not going to make this easy. she's angry but also feeling pretty hurt, making her walls go up -- walls that are only necessary because of how much she's been hurt in her life )
Well, if that's it.
( she doesn't know what more she expects from him. river takes the bottle before turning around to head upstairs -- she's got someone tied up she needs to fuck. this time, however, if he tries he can stop her leaving )
No, it's—
River.
[ he turns, doesn't try to follow or lay a hand on her. he can't hide his discomfort, or he doesn't try to; is too wrapped up in a tangle of figuring out how to address this problem. ]
What happened earlier. It's—
[ he's doing this wrong. he doesn't precisely know how to proceed. ]
Historically, I haven't been accustomed to cooperation.
River.
[ he turns, doesn't try to follow or lay a hand on her. he can't hide his discomfort, or he doesn't try to; is too wrapped up in a tangle of figuring out how to address this problem. ]
What happened earlier. It's—
[ he's doing this wrong. he doesn't precisely know how to proceed. ]
Historically, I haven't been accustomed to cooperation.
Edited (wordss) 2018-10-28 01:28 (UTC)
( she stops at the sound of her name, only turning around once he's finished speaking )
That's an understatement.
( and she was the one who'd gotten the brunt of it. what about others, how did they fare with him or was she just that lucky? )
But you went too far.
( he'd been a prickly asshole all the time but then add in manipulation and cold )
That's an understatement.
( and she was the one who'd gotten the brunt of it. what about others, how did they fare with him or was she just that lucky? )
But you went too far.
( he'd been a prickly asshole all the time but then add in manipulation and cold )
Page 1 of 5