[Clara reaches for the glass, barely turning her attention towards River. Her face is still and bleak, utterly worn, and the checked pajama pants bagging around house shoes is nearly as unkempt as the woman gets.]
He's dead, back home. Properly dead. [One sip of the disgusting liquor. She barely wrinkles her nose, this time.] I said I'd take him with me when we got out, if he wanted.
[It's not meant to stir up sympathies. If anything, it's evidence of her own foolishness. Proof that her skin isn't near thick enough for this terrible, infinite life she's acquired.]
( ouch. and now a little more of what clara had said but not wanted to say made sense. she was dead, he was dead... they had something in common and that loss now, knowing that if he wasn't here he'd be dead )
I don't believe that he's gone.
( it wasn't simply hope, at least that's what river would say. they may have been able to bring them in but calibrating their return back... unless you were familiar with timey wimey mechanics was difficult. even the doctor got it very wrong. she didn't believe anyone in this century had it better )
We're still locked out of a great portion of the station, there's also the planet. ( river's pouring herself a drink as she speaks ) I wouldn't count him out yet.
[That had certainly been part of their bond, the distinct sort of loss that came from being the one who'd died, the one who'd left everyone to mourn. His sudden absence hurts more than she wants it to, for what little time they had together.]
I know. [There are so many places he could be, even within their reach. So why does this feel so overwhelming? Why does she feel utterly lost right now?] And I'm trying to believe he's okay, but-
[But it's bigger than him. Bigger even than the others, than Frank and Alex and Amos and Bobbie. Because this isn't going to stop, she's realizing. People are always going to be taken from her, whether it's by time or by peril, and she can't do a damn thing.]
... I shouldn't have gotten close to him. I can't keep doing that.
( river can't read her well -- she doesn't know her and the grief is too evident for river to get too much of a feel of her.
but then her words do it for her. doubt, regret. it's one or both and it makes river forget the drink that she'd just been about to drink. she puts it and the bottle to the floor, moving to step in front of clara )
Clara--
( she reaches out to her arm, to draw her attention but then hesitates halfway there. she doesn't want to overstep too much even if her words will )
[At River's words, she feels blind, raw anger bubble up in her throat. How could she get close? How can River see that as a possibility, after all the pain Clara has spilled out onto her? She wants to scream, and fight, and rail.
She doesn't. Her face, blank and miserable, barely twitches. Everything in her is too tired for this.]
Being immortal's not about living forever. It's about everyone else dying.
[It's what the Doctor told her once, his spirit wounded. Now, months later, she feels like she really hears those words for the first time. She sees so clearly what she's facing.]
( and though river knows what time can do to people she isn't entirely speaking from experience. it would be something different if she'd gotten close to people and lost them but instead, she just knows about time -- a few of her own centuries, seeing the doctor carry the loss of his own friends, his longer years )
Time hurts. Love hurts. ( doesn't she know it. this is possibly the only time that river is going to be quite so open or honest so clara better be listening ) But it is always worth it. People die, humans are fragile-- ( as the doctor liked to say ) --but sometimes they don't have to. Sometimes you can save them.
( you're a time traveller now, clara. with pain also came joy and hope, in doing something that no one else could. it still wouldn't be forever. this part she knew. the doctor may still really be alive but she'd also seen him die -- had felt her hearts break (twice) at that. it may have been fake but that sight was still burned into her mind, the emotion of what had come before and after it still real )
[It wasn't love, Clara wants to argue, but it would really be beside the point. It was certainly enough fondness that the loss of it stings.
She closes her eyes and tightens her fingers around the glass.]
Whether or not they want it.
[There's no anger in her voice, though, nor in her heart. The Doctor saved her from death, at the cost of unnatural life. Had she not offered Jim the same opportunity?]
I know what he's like, after he loses people. I don't want to become that.
Clara, I don't know you, I don't know what is in your heart, but I do know time.
( it's said after a pause, a few aborted thoughts at her response. you're not like him-- why would that happen?. that conversation had not gone well before and even though you're not the doctor are the words that would come out it isn't with that intention that she has.
clara is human, she has a kindness that is different to the doctor's, a different care. she is so different and all of it in good ways, ways that would make her a different person even with years. she didn't have to react how he did )
Yes, it will change you but you can choose how you let it. ( is that true? in a way, maybe. river had changed with time, had chosen some of it in trying to be a different person but she was also exaggerating it somewhat ) And you can choose to not be alone.
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He's dead, back home. Properly dead. [One sip of the disgusting liquor. She barely wrinkles her nose, this time.] I said I'd take him with me when we got out, if he wanted.
[It's not meant to stir up sympathies. If anything, it's evidence of her own foolishness. Proof that her skin isn't near thick enough for this terrible, infinite life she's acquired.]
no subject
I don't believe that he's gone.
( it wasn't simply hope, at least that's what river would say. they may have been able to bring them in but calibrating their return back... unless you were familiar with timey wimey mechanics was difficult. even the doctor got it very wrong. she didn't believe anyone in this century had it better )
We're still locked out of a great portion of the station, there's also the planet. ( river's pouring herself a drink as she speaks ) I wouldn't count him out yet.
no subject
I know. [There are so many places he could be, even within their reach. So why does this feel so overwhelming? Why does she feel utterly lost right now?] And I'm trying to believe he's okay, but-
[But it's bigger than him. Bigger even than the others, than Frank and Alex and Amos and Bobbie. Because this isn't going to stop, she's realizing. People are always going to be taken from her, whether it's by time or by peril, and she can't do a damn thing.]
... I shouldn't have gotten close to him. I can't keep doing that.
no subject
but then her words do it for her. doubt, regret. it's one or both and it makes river forget the drink that she'd just been about to drink. she puts it and the bottle to the floor, moving to step in front of clara )
Clara--
( she reaches out to her arm, to draw her attention but then hesitates halfway there. she doesn't want to overstep too much even if her words will )
Why can't you? Why is getting close so wrong?
no subject
She doesn't. Her face, blank and miserable, barely twitches. Everything in her is too tired for this.]
Being immortal's not about living forever. It's about everyone else dying.
[It's what the Doctor told her once, his spirit wounded. Now, months later, she feels like she really hears those words for the first time. She sees so clearly what she's facing.]
I don't know if I can do it.
no subject
( and though river knows what time can do to people she isn't entirely speaking from experience. it would be something different if she'd gotten close to people and lost them but instead, she just knows about time -- a few of her own centuries, seeing the doctor carry the loss of his own friends, his longer years )
Time hurts. Love hurts. ( doesn't she know it. this is possibly the only time that river is going to be quite so open or honest so clara better be listening ) But it is always worth it. People die, humans are fragile-- ( as the doctor liked to say ) --but sometimes they don't have to. Sometimes you can save them.
( you're a time traveller now, clara. with pain also came joy and hope, in doing something that no one else could. it still wouldn't be forever. this part she knew. the doctor may still really be alive but she'd also seen him die -- had felt her hearts break (twice) at that. it may have been fake but that sight was still burned into her mind, the emotion of what had come before and after it still real )
no subject
She closes her eyes and tightens her fingers around the glass.]
Whether or not they want it.
[There's no anger in her voice, though, nor in her heart. The Doctor saved her from death, at the cost of unnatural life. Had she not offered Jim the same opportunity?]
I know what he's like, after he loses people. I don't want to become that.
no subject
( it's said after a pause, a few aborted thoughts at her response. you're not like him-- why would that happen?. that conversation had not gone well before and even though you're not the doctor are the words that would come out it isn't with that intention that she has.
clara is human, she has a kindness that is different to the doctor's, a different care. she is so different and all of it in good ways, ways that would make her a different person even with years. she didn't have to react how he did )
Yes, it will change you but you can choose how you let it. ( is that true? in a way, maybe. river had changed with time, had chosen some of it in trying to be a different person but she was also exaggerating it somewhat ) And you can choose to not be alone.