( her expression sombers a little. she'd only meant to ask where clara had travelled to but-- )
I'm sorry, Clara.
( and yet hadn't she dropped hints in all conversations? reckless actions teaching her something, losing people. no wonder the birthday was troubling her )
[She wasn't reaching for some kind of sympathy, is what she wants to say. Instead, she just shakes her head.]
It's a long story, and it's not a very nice one, but I'm fine. [Yeah, okay, she cries every night and every black bird makes her clam up, but she's fantastic.] Wine always helps, though.
( river doesn't believe her, if only because dying and being fine doesn't seem like they go together. it does make her quicken their pace a little -- there's wine they need to get )
Maybe we can convince them to be generous. It is for your birthday.
( casually pretending that this is a normal shopping trip and not some weird place )
Well, it is my deathday. Surely there's a discount for that.
[Of course, that would require explaining immortality to a liquor store employee in the wee hours of the morning, but she's had to pull together worse speeches.]
( that newest revelation almost makes her stop, surprised both by how casually she says it. river supposes that once a conversation has started it makes it easier to keep going but also-- )
Clara-- ( but no. she hadn't wanted sympathy before, river was able to take that hint, and even if she did say something what exactly would she say? ) If there isn't we'll have to make one. I can be fairly persuasive.
[It has the bones of a flirtation, but not the heart. Clara speeds up a little, heels crunching on dead twigs. She wraps her arms around herself, a mechanical reaction to cold, even though she barely feels it.]
... Last time I was tramping around a forest in the dark, I got kidnapped by Vikings.
( it's a testament to the fact that she's taking the conversation serious that river lets the flirtation just slide on by. but next time, clara, when the tone isn't so sad you bet she's gonna get your mind racing )
Vikings? ( now that is interesting ) I'm not certain that there are anything here but that would be an improvement on what probably is here.
[Clara nods, but then goes quiet for a moment. She's had six weeks to wrap her head around it all, but it's the first time she's had to voice it. When she does, it's with a flat distance, almost detached.]
My life on Earth ended in 2015. My body's buried in a churchyard up in Lancashire, and I heard the funeral was lovely. But I had the advantage of a very clever best friend who wouldn't let me go gentle into that good night.
[He did the raging against the dying of the light; she was just along for the right.]
Do you know what an extraction chamber is? Bit of handy Time Lord tech?
( she almost regrets asking. though they had been discussing clara's life (and death) she didn't really need to ask about her death, about why she'd died or how or--
but river had and clara had answered. not that the answer was particularly satisfactory )
I've heard of it.
( river had done her research and though most gallifreyan technologies were written only as myths or legends river was good at discerning the truth from it. she didn't need to ask what it was or who it had been. even why. he hated ending )
They're not often used.
( though gallifrey had also been lost for a long time )
[River's a smart girl, and she knows the Doctor. She can work out what he did on her own.]
My body's on Earth, so I know I go back and finish dying eventually. But until then, I've got a stolen TARDIS, a billion-year-old Viking girl, and a heart that doesn't beat.
( it's starting to sound like an adventure that river would love, minus the part about clara being dead. but a stolen tardis and an immortal friend? that was entirely exciting.
but then she's curious. even though clara had said that her heart doesn't beat, have been very explicit about being dead, river in a way wants to be certain.
she puts a hand out to stop clara, fingers lingering )
May I?
( she knows two heartbeats, has felt one but, at least in humans, hasn't felt no heartbeat in someone that acted very much alive )
[Clara doesn't wait for River to find it herself, though; she steps closer and takes River's wrist, looped gently in her hands, leading it up until her fingers find the soft skin beneath Clara's jaw. She's not as warm as most humans, devoid of the heat of moving blood, and there is no pulse to be found.
Her eyes land on River's, waiting for a response.]
( she's quiet, contemplative as she waits, seconds passing as river feels for a pulse and, knowing there isn't one to be found, fails to find one.
her eyes lower back to clara's, fingers lifting from her neck, thoughts quickly mulling around her mind. is what she's about to do necessary? likely not but clara had answered a lot of her questions, particularly a lot of difficult questions. it made it feel right, to offer something in return.
wordlessly river finds clara's own wrist, bringing the girl's fingers up to her neck, skin cool. she'll find a quicker pulse, one that definitely points to high blood pressure but, if clara concentrates, she'll be able to distinguish it into a double pulse )
[Clara breathes in, the softest gasp, as her fingertips find the first pulse, and then the second. Something clenches in her chest, and she can't help the way she presses in more insistently, cupping River's jaw with her hand. If asked, she couldn't explain what the sudden need is, why the feeling of River's pulse - pulses - brings about such a reaction. Maybe it's been so long since Clara's felt a heart, felt something, that her fingers scrabble for the first touch since the night she died, aching to bury herself in a person instead of a grave.
She's not surprised, to feel two heartbeats. She had always assumed that the woman who married the Doctor must have been like him. But to actually feel it, after weeks of missing him with every molecule of her being, of crying into every last word and every last touch...
She starts to draw her hand away, after a bit, eyes cast down and apologetic.]
Sorry.
[Her cheeks might be pink, if she were still alive.]
( clara's reaction is certainly more than river had expected but it's not unwelcome. she's not shy when it comes to physical contact and, considering clara has been lacking her own heartbeat for weeks, the constant feeling running through your own body, river isn't going to push her away.
when clara pulls away river reaches again for her hand, drawing her attention back to her )
Is there a way to do it? ( she knows that that had what the doctor would have been thinking when he'd used the extraction chamber, when he'd pulled her back to this 'life' ) Is there a way to restart your heart?
( was it possible to change time, to erase her death? usually, non-interference was their method but this was different and with it being so recent if it didn't affect anything else-- though surely he'd already thought of that. he wouldn't have missed doing that if he could )
[Clara looks down at their joined hands, and shakes her head, a far more timid, reserved movement than the energy she usually exudes.]
We tried. We thought running away would solve it. [The hope on fire in his eyes, the cold in her chest dragging her back and back down. Five years, dwindling down to the ashes, and the Doctor still fighting to keep them alive.] My death's fixed. But it's alright, an' I mean that.
[Her eyes finally flick back up to River's, wide and young and old. Scared, and at peace.]
It'll be over one day, and I'll be ready. I'm not afraid.
( river hopes that when her time comes she has this much grace. considering her pleading witb the doctor on the balcony, fearful that their time was coming to an end, she wonders how someone so young, who has barely experienced life can have such a mature stance to her death.
maybe that's exactly why -- she hasn't had the opportunity to have so much life as river has, never did have that time. the doctor hated endings and maybe in her own way so did river. she wasn't ready for it, not when she felt she'd barely had her life.
slowly river nods, accepting what clara has said, not knowing what she could even offer in return, letting her hand fall from the girl's )
[She gives River a sideways half-smile, thankful and quiet, before she keeps walking.
Clara is fairly certain that they've been going in a straight line all this while, but she supposes that it doesn't quite matter. Eventually they'll reach an edge, and neither of them has to worry about exhaustion or dehydration or the cold. If they have to walk until day breaks, it'll be worth it to get away from that camp.]
... Now that you know- [She cuts herself off, twists her cold hands. Starts again.] I need your help with something.
[It could be anyone's help, really, but she'd rather it be River's. She trusts River, all in all.]
( there's a slight frown, not at the request itself but river takes a few seconds to try and think on what clara might need. she realises that it would be easier to ask.
she might also end up surprised hearing that clara trusts her )
( it makes sense and whilst river might want to caution the recklessness of it, of wondering if it's really necessary... she also knows that she'd done some of that herself. she'd wanted to figure herself out particularly in ways that kovarian never had. at least she can try to stop clara going too far )
[She’s honesty surprised by the ease of it. Really? Just name a date?]
I’ll let you know.
[The Doctor would never allow it, she thinks with a bitter fondness. He would rage against her cavalier hand, against her even risking that something will stick. But she has to know. She can’t let death sneak up on her, not if she’s going to be who she needs to be here. Who she’s trying to be.]
( one day river might explain why she'd agreed, not the understanding of her past, that was something river never talked about, but at least that having someone with her would be better than her doing it alone )
I'd assume so. Processes relating to circulation or breathing would be simplest to rule out. Possibly similarly with ingestion.
( she's thinking poisons than actually needing to eat. she's also absolutely going to be detached about this )
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I'm sorry, Clara.
( and yet hadn't she dropped hints in all conversations? reckless actions teaching her something, losing people. no wonder the birthday was troubling her )
I think that wine sounds like a very good idea.
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[She wasn't reaching for some kind of sympathy, is what she wants to say. Instead, she just shakes her head.]
It's a long story, and it's not a very nice one, but I'm fine. [Yeah, okay, she cries every night and every black bird makes her clam up, but she's fantastic.] Wine always helps, though.
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Maybe we can convince them to be generous. It is for your birthday.
( casually pretending that this is a normal shopping trip and not some weird place )
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[Of course, that would require explaining immortality to a liquor store employee in the wee hours of the morning, but she's had to pull together worse speeches.]
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Clara-- ( but no. she hadn't wanted sympathy before, river was able to take that hint, and even if she did say something what exactly would she say? ) If there isn't we'll have to make one. I can be fairly persuasive.
( even without the lipstick )
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[It has the bones of a flirtation, but not the heart. Clara speeds up a little, heels crunching on dead twigs. She wraps her arms around herself, a mechanical reaction to cold, even though she barely feels it.]
... Last time I was tramping around a forest in the dark, I got kidnapped by Vikings.
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Vikings? ( now that is interesting ) I'm not certain that there are anything here but that would be an improvement on what probably is here.
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[Yep, keep thinking about the Vikings and not whatever's lurking in these trees, just out of sight.]
One of them's traveling with me now, actually.
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( the one that had lived for millenia, river assumed. thought there was one thing that river was now curious on )
Though-- how are you travelling?
( you just said you were dead. not that river had questioned her status here but back home? )
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My life on Earth ended in 2015. My body's buried in a churchyard up in Lancashire, and I heard the funeral was lovely. But I had the advantage of a very clever best friend who wouldn't let me go gentle into that good night.
[He did the raging against the dying of the light; she was just along for the right.]
Do you know what an extraction chamber is? Bit of handy Time Lord tech?
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but river had and clara had answered. not that the answer was particularly satisfactory )
I've heard of it.
( river had done her research and though most gallifreyan technologies were written only as myths or legends river was good at discerning the truth from it. she didn't need to ask what it was or who it had been. even why. he hated ending )
They're not often used.
( though gallifrey had also been lost for a long time )
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That's your answer, then.
[River's a smart girl, and she knows the Doctor. She can work out what he did on her own.]
My body's on Earth, so I know I go back and finish dying eventually. But until then, I've got a stolen TARDIS, a billion-year-old Viking girl, and a heart that doesn't beat.
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but then she's curious. even though clara had said that her heart doesn't beat, have been very explicit about being dead, river in a way wants to be certain.
she puts a hand out to stop clara, fingers lingering )
May I?
( she knows two heartbeats, has felt one but, at least in humans, hasn't felt no heartbeat in someone that acted very much alive )
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[Clara doesn't wait for River to find it herself, though; she steps closer and takes River's wrist, looped gently in her hands, leading it up until her fingers find the soft skin beneath Clara's jaw. She's not as warm as most humans, devoid of the heat of moving blood, and there is no pulse to be found.
Her eyes land on River's, waiting for a response.]
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her eyes lower back to clara's, fingers lifting from her neck, thoughts quickly mulling around her mind. is what she's about to do necessary? likely not but clara had answered a lot of her questions, particularly a lot of difficult questions. it made it feel right, to offer something in return.
wordlessly river finds clara's own wrist, bringing the girl's fingers up to her neck, skin cool. she'll find a quicker pulse, one that definitely points to high blood pressure but, if clara concentrates, she'll be able to distinguish it into a double pulse )
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She's not surprised, to feel two heartbeats. She had always assumed that the woman who married the Doctor must have been like him. But to actually feel it, after weeks of missing him with every molecule of her being, of crying into every last word and every last touch...
She starts to draw her hand away, after a bit, eyes cast down and apologetic.]
Sorry.
[Her cheeks might be pink, if she were still alive.]
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when clara pulls away river reaches again for her hand, drawing her attention back to her )
Is there a way to do it? ( she knows that that had what the doctor would have been thinking when he'd used the extraction chamber, when he'd pulled her back to this 'life' ) Is there a way to restart your heart?
( was it possible to change time, to erase her death? usually, non-interference was their method but this was different and with it being so recent if it didn't affect anything else-- though surely he'd already thought of that. he wouldn't have missed doing that if he could )
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We tried. We thought running away would solve it. [The hope on fire in his eyes, the cold in her chest dragging her back and back down. Five years, dwindling down to the ashes, and the Doctor still fighting to keep them alive.] My death's fixed. But it's alright, an' I mean that.
[Her eyes finally flick back up to River's, wide and young and old. Scared, and at peace.]
It'll be over one day, and I'll be ready. I'm not afraid.
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maybe that's exactly why -- she hasn't had the opportunity to have so much life as river has, never did have that time. the doctor hated endings and maybe in her own way so did river. she wasn't ready for it, not when she felt she'd barely had her life.
slowly river nods, accepting what clara has said, not knowing what she could even offer in return, letting her hand fall from the girl's )
Come on. I think I could do with that wine.
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Clara is fairly certain that they've been going in a straight line all this while, but she supposes that it doesn't quite matter. Eventually they'll reach an edge, and neither of them has to worry about exhaustion or dehydration or the cold. If they have to walk until day breaks, it'll be worth it to get away from that camp.]
... Now that you know- [She cuts herself off, twists her cold hands. Starts again.] I need your help with something.
[It could be anyone's help, really, but she'd rather it be River's. She trusts River, all in all.]
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she might also end up surprised hearing that clara trusts her )
What is it?
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[It’s hard, on her own, pushing past the fear and getting out of her head enough to really try.]
I don’t want to find out at the wrong time, when it matters. I want to know its limits.
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Just tell me where and when.
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I’ll let you know.
[The Doctor would never allow it, she thinks with a bitter fondness. He would rage against her cavalier hand, against her even risking that something will stick. But she has to know. She can’t let death sneak up on her, not if she’s going to be who she needs to be here. Who she’s trying to be.]
I’m fairly certain I can’t drown.
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I'd assume so. Processes relating to circulation or breathing would be simplest to rule out. Possibly similarly with ingestion.
( she's thinking poisons than actually needing to eat. she's also absolutely going to be detached about this )
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